You know, you’d think as someone who takes 25 pills a day, I would have a pill for everything. And when it comes to aches and pains, muscle spasms, migraines, restless legs, or insomnia..it’s true. I’ve got a pill for most things. I carry around my pharmacy in a medium-sized black bag with birds on it. It’s like my second purse, but probably more important. But in the depths of that entire bag, among all the bottles of pills of every color and every shape, there is no pill for crying. Sometime’s life is really hard, and you just have to feel it. In two words; it sucks. It’s tiring and seemingly unrelenting and comes and goes in waves but just like everything else, it won’t last. It isn’t forever. And sometimes that’s the only thing to get you past the moment.
Sorry about being all depressing, but I’m going through some hardships right now and I told myself I’d write good, bad or ugly, so here’s sticking to goals. I won’t get into all the details but I am going through a breakup, thus the random waves of crying that come on like sudden nausea. It’s awful! It’s also funny, because truthfully, I was never much of a crier. If I felt the urge to cry I held it back, and I especially didn’t like to do it in front of people. I didn’t cry at my dads funeral. Maybe it’s because I was 12 or maybe it’s because seriously, his funeral was somehow a joyous occasion and I don’t really know how to explain that except that we sang happy music and felt proud that his life filled up an entire church. It wasn’t until my step-dad died, unexpectedly in the middle of college, that I turned into a crier. There was no holding it back anymore. It was tragic and it happened fast and left the family a little lost, especially my mom. It’s funny because my mom was never much of a crier either, but after Roger died, the same thing happened to her too. Sometimes we’d sit in the office, trying to tackle another post-death obstacle like canceling Roger’s phone (which somehow took FOUR MONTHS) and we’d sit there just sniffling and wiping tears away. Truthfully, there wasn’t always something wise to say. A quote about God’s plan or everything happening for a reason really falls short when you’re in the very raw place of grief. Sometimes all there is to do is cry or be a shoulder to cry on and remember that it won’t last. But what I’m trying to get at is this; it’s OK to cry.
I don’t know how our society or culture became this way, but it feels like somehow we view crying as a weakness. And when someone begins to cry our first impulse is to try to get them to stop. “Don’t cry,” we’ll say. Or “It’s OK” or some other vague comment that is usually untrue. The problem is crying makes other people uncomfortable–we’re a people of solutions, and crying means that someone is in pain or hurting some way, and we want them to stop. That’s the nice thing about dogs, they let you cry and cry and they don’t judge you for it. The thing is though, crying is not only natural, it’s good for you. It’s acknowledgment and acceptance that yes, this moment or time is rough. It’s challenging or painful. And the truth is, you just have to feel it. You have to exist in the grit of it. It hurts. But it also means you’re awake. I thought after 2011 that I would literally run out of tears. There was one day that I cried on and off most of the day and finally by 9 I thought wow, I think I’m all cried out! Then a commercial about abandoned dogs in New Orleans came on and I burst into tears. Nope, wasn’t all out after all!
My point is, that instead of telling someone to stop crying or to be strong or to move on, we should try the opposite. We should encourage them to cry. Tell them to go ahead and sob it out. Hold their hand or offer your shoulder or pass the whole stupid box of kleenex if that’s what it’s going to take. But don’t try to stop the process. Sometimes life is sad, and it’s OK to acknowledge that and it’s OK to cry about it. Babies do it. Women do it. Men do it. Even elephants do it. Just like laughter is an expression of something funny or entertaining, crying is an expression of sadness or loss, it is honest, and to repress it is only going to make it hurt more later. Simply put–let it out. Shakespeare said “To weep is to make less the depth of grief.” That being said…Waahhhhhhhh.
Kidding. I’m not crying right now. I’m watching the Golden Girls with Monty and accepting that this is a tough time but I’m going to survive. If I could recommend a new class for college it would be called Breaking Up 101. I have thought this for a long time, because breaking up is one of the hardest experiences and worst pains you can feel, even if it is the right thing to do. But we’re conditioned to think that if you feel this bad, then something’s not right–you shouldn’t do it. So then it follows, if you’re miserable from a breakup, then maybe you made the wrong decision? The truth is, there is never a good time to break up, it hurts like hell whenever it happens, and it’s going to screw with your life for a while. Aka…you might burst into tears while watching Say Yes to the Dress or you might suffer an identity crisis and start wearing brightly colored wigs like Kim Kardashian did. But that’s kind of how it goes. It’s tough, but it won’t last.
Anyway, that’s what’s going on in my life…how are you? Haha. I hope this doesn’t sound too tragic. Everything and everyone will be OK. I am assured. Mostly. But I still get waves of tears and random things that set them off, like an old photo from college or coming across my old business card from when I used to have a real job and my life was more..clear. Sometimes I feel like I’m floating on a raft in the middle of the ocean and am just drifting in no particular direction at all. It’s living in the “grey” of things. But it’s OK. I’m going to cry and then I’m going to stop and then I’m going to pick up the pieces and keep going. Because that’s the thing about life..it goes on.
Health, Happiness, and BOO HOO!
*Photo Credit: Jill Greenberg
FibroM.E.-Awesome 
Hi again, Mary! It’s been ages since I’ve been on here but I kept getting email notifications about your new posts… and have to admit to a certain smugness, knowing I was storing up a cache of your awesome. This is the week I need it, no doubt about it! Ennyway, it feels nerdily reassuring to touch noses with another Golden Girls fan.
Breakups are the suck. There, I said it. I hope the pain is somewhat less now that a few more weeks have passed and I look forward to reading on…
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This was really inspiring to me and a great read as I have trouble with letting out a cry when I need it the most. I’ve been trying to set aside nights, every month or so, to just let it out by myself. It feels great, it’s like washing out your soul. Your post was very encouraging to me, thank you for this! :)
I am also sorry that you are going through a rough time in your life. Just keep on keeping on and you will be fine! :)
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Yup. Grief sucks. My sister died recently at what i thought was much too young an age, and when i’d get started crying, well….and i just wanted to be allowed to cry and mourn and be angry and all that. A wise person once told me that people who are grieving are like someone who is badly burned, so very sensitive and in pain. Truth. Losing any relationship is like that, and needs grieving.
Crying is good.
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oh my very goodness, yes. i KEEP a supply of those dainty little fingertip towels because they make the best hankies when one is having a bawl-your-eyes-raw knid of day.
and even when breakups are good and timely and both parties are being as good to one another as they can…they still suck and cause massive amounts of heartache and tears. *gives you hugs* i’m sorry. *hands you tissues*
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I always check my mail to see ur post and if u have any new blogs. And I feel like you write to me because,anything you put up is exactly what I’m going through. I’m in this crazy relationship and today is the first day I actually got to talk about it with a close friend. I’ve grown to become much quite person over these past couple of months, very distant from family and friends. I barely say anything about how I feel and what I think. And I’m usually quite the talker. And for such a long time I finally cried. It was waiting to come out but my ego would not let me do it. And today I finally let that ego down and cried, and realized how good it felt! But I wish you the best in all your affairs!
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I always check my mail to see ur post and if u have any new blogs. And I feel like you write to me because,anything you put up is exactly what I’m going through. I’m in this crazy relationship and today is the first day I actually got to talk about it with a close friend. I’ve grown to become much quite person over these past couple of months, very distant from family and friends. I barely say anything about how I feel and what I think. And I’m usually quite the talker. And for such a long time I finally cried. It was waiting to come out but my ego would not let me do it. And today I finally let that ego down and cried, and realized how good it felt! But I wish you the best in all your affairs!
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Most recent weep: having finally managed to score a kiss from the most wonderful guy after literally two years in the Friend Zone, proceeded to puke almost into his lap in the taxi home. Followed that doozy up with the personal shame of falling asleep on the toilet for a solid four hours. Hardly the stuff of Greek tragedy but…a funny story? Maybe? I’ll work on telling it better. Nothing like a good cleansing cry to wash away the mortification and help keep the chin up through trying days! What’s for you won’t pass you. x
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Well said, as usual. The commercial that always tears me up airs around the Holidays. This girl’s brother comes home from overseas. It’s implied that he’s in the Peace Corps; although, I don’t think they ever say for sure. He’s been away for a really long time, and she stays up all night for him to come home. When he arrives she sticks this bow on him and says something like “you’re my present.” Gets me every time.
Sorry for your loss… breakups suck, even . As they say here in New England (I’m a transplant from the South), “wicked bummah.”
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I would sign up for that class! There are so useful things to figure out; I feel like you would need a game plan, a break-up-plan, to put method to the madness. Week 1: Exercise, the ins-n-outs of Endorphin overload. Week 2: How to Shop and Cook for yourself again (subtitled, Stop eating Cheetohs). Week 3: How to begin a lasting bromance. And so on… of course these seemingly humorous subjects could easily be filled with endless array of self-analyzation and self-help tools. The truth really is that everyone, everyday, chooses to act and feel a certain way, thousands of times per day. It’s a conscious choice, it’s, well, Consciousness. Yes, sometimes, choosing to cry and feel sorry for yourself is healthy, b/c it opens the door for what’s after the crying is over, and that’s the amazing possibilities offered to us all in this world. The best way to reveal what’s always been available and right in front of you sometimes is to wash away all the other garbage, with tears.
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Mary, you just know how to touch my soul. Thank you so very much for your bravery and your words. I know grief well and hold her with the love she deserves. And great heaping wads of kleenx.
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All of your posts are great, but I think this one is a top favorite! It was so easy to connect because it came across so very authentic. It isn’t pathetic or depressing when you’re simply being honest!!
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This is a great post! I also believe crying can be very therapeutic and is a very necessary part of the healing process. I had an ex who would freak out every time I cried and would just leave the room and say “I can’t be around you when you’re crying, come see me when you’re rational!” which of course would make me more upset because some times all you want is someone to hold you when you’re crying and sad – and I think you hit the nail on the head there when you said that crying does make people uncomfortable, in the case of my ex there, clearly some more than others. Take your time and hope you feel better sooner than later!
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I was just talking about this the other day: Sometimes when I’m feeling something that I do not know I’m feeling, but know it is some form of sadness, I HAVE to watch a sad show/movie, listen to a sad song, or think about something really really sad in order to make myself cry! It is kind of like a torture technique I think. “Hey, I’m sad! What can I do to make myself more sad?!” It’s like a need to come to grips with the sadness, even without knowing the exact reason for it or the exact feeling at all! But, you’re absolutely right! It does end, it gets better, and the hurt lessens. If you aren’t sad or aren’t worried about it, then maybe you didn’t care enough about it in the first place! Emotions are how we know we care about something! Your posts are always relevant to me at the exact time you post them! Know that you’re not alone and are admired for saying things we are all thinking, but doing it with an uplifting and hopeful perspective!
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I’m sorry you’re suffering, but like you say, it is good to let the feelings out. If you can do it, it’s the best thing. My dad died when I was 11, rather suddenly, and like you I don’t remember crying a lot then either, I was just a kid and thought, “I’ll be OK.” I was so much like my dad already, a little rock. Like you, I became a crier in my 20s. It seems like sometimes the tears understand they have to wait until we are ready to host them. Now I cry routinely, mostly in the early morning, like little squalls, there are so many tears stored deep inside I try and get them out a little bit each day. It sounds strange, but it helps me. I think it helps a lot of people. But you’re right, crying does tend to make other’s uncomfortable. That’s why I try and get it out when while others are not around. Best to you.
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I have found that if I don’t cry at least once a month, the tears sneak up on me and I end up crying for a whole day. So I *absolutely* believe that crying is cleansing. There ARE moments when we need to be sad and feel the pain/grief. Then once we’ve acknowledged it we can begin to go on and feel better.
I am one of those that believe there is one person for everyone. I hope you find yours soon. :)
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I’m very sorry to hear about your breakup. I think you have a great attitude about. You need time to grieve the loss, but, as you said, life will go on. I agree with you about telling people to stop crying. I hate it when people tell me “It’s okay.” It makes me want to yell “If it was okay, I wouldn’t be friggin’ crying, would I?” I’d rather someone tell me to go ahead and let it out, then just shut up and hold me, or something.
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I love a good cry, happy or sad crying, it’s so cleansing for me, and I always feel better afterwards! Yes, crying is NOT about weakness. it us about being in touch with your emotions and humanity.
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Great insight. I don’t know what kind of person I’d be if I couldn’t cry every once in a while. Sounds strange, doesn’t it? That to be a happy person overall, sometimes we have to let ourselves be freely unhappy.
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I cried my little heart out today, too. I cried because I was in ridiculous pain – way more than usual. I cried over a lost love. I cried because my husband & I are just learning how to love each other after being married to each other for more than 11 years. I cried because I came across a little cowboy vest that our first child wore when he was very small…I grieved the loss of his tinyness. It *is* ok to cry because your heart longs for goodness. And that’s good in and of itself. xo
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I’m so sorry you are going through a difficult time at the moment, and I hope things improve soon *hugs*
You do seem to be very good at approaching things in a positive manner though, even when things are tough, which is a wonderful skill to have. I agree that sometimes the only thing you can do is cry, and hopefully you will always have a shoulder to cry onto, life is generally much easier to deal with when you have someone to help (even if that someone has four paws :)
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I always enjoy reading your blogs and even though you are going some awful times with being poorly, I hear you so much when you talk about crying. I’m one of these unfortunate people that can cry at the drop of a hat, sometimes a prisoner of my own emotions as sometimes I don’t know what I’m crying for. I’ve had a tough old week myself, but it is all about being able to let yourself have a good cry now and then, let it all out and get on with it :)
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“…when you’re in the very raw place of grief…”. *speechless*. Wish I could do something to lessen the pain and sadness but as you said it, it will pass. Live now and tomorrow the pain will be less ( a very small fraction of it however ). But life goes on. Sometimes I wonder is it good. Know so many whose lives stopped. Then they finish of their quota of breaths in the world and they age silently with a huge weariness which never falters to keep breaking the heart.
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Sorry I don’t mean to like the breakup but the acceptance of feeling like you just need to accept what is happening and let go. Chin up girl :). I am just kidding you are an inspirational person for being honest about who you are and I thank you for it.
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