I am writing from a horizontal position on my couch with Monty next to me, who is on and off the couch chasing flies. Class started 10 minutes ago but I am still having the pleasurable experience of a migraine (day 3) and dizziness and weakness and all that jazz. This time however, I am not wondering how I got this way. I know exactly why I’m crashed and it’s mostly my fault.
Halloween was Saturday and since I’ve never done a Halloween party sober, I thought I could handle a little drinking and be fine. This comes from a little thing called denial that I go through every now and then. I pretend like I can party like other people, work like other people, and stay on top of everything I need to. You’d think after so many years of being sick, overdoing it, paying the price, I’d GET IT BY NOW. But, it turns out I’m a slow learner. To be honest, last year was when I really began to even acknowledge and accept this illness and the limits it has created for my life.
Long story short, we ran out of beer so I intelligently switched to screw drivers. Way to go Mary, WAY TO GO. (If I ever drink sugary alcoholic drinks it’s really bad news the next day) Not only did I fall asleep at the Halloween party 30 minutes in, but I lost a whole day the following day. Sunday was spent in bed, in and out of consciousness, and in terrible pain. The migraine medicine didn’t work. The pain killers didn’t work. Nothing worked. It carried on into yesterday, which was really great because I had to move all of my belongings from my old apartment to the new house I’ve been staying at in New Orleans. Most everyone would agree moving is exhausting and pretty much sucks all around, and trying to move with a migraine is even more fun. Now it is Tuesday and I am still feeling the effects of Saturday night and the crash from physical labor yesterday. I have one of my hardest tests of the semester tomorrow, so I am trying to drink a lot of fluid and stay horizontal until I get some strength and my head pain goes down. I’m really dizzy when I stand again. Don’t know exactly why that is today.
Anyway I’ve been reflecting a lot and it’s not like I’ve discovered anything new. I know drinking is just a bad decision in my state so I just really need to stop. Except for maybe a glass of wine or two at dinner every now and then. Especially because Saturday wasn’t even worth the next day that I lost. It’s simply immature and irresponsible at this point to keep doing things like that, so I’m going to stop for a while. I think the rest of 2011 needs to be sober. If I am serious about getting well, I need to give up things like that. And I should have a while ago. Simply put, I need to stop being an idiot.
Anyway this is getting boring and turning into a Dr. Phil pow wow. But maybe if I write it down I’ll be more serious about it. It can feel lonely not being able to do the things that other people my age are doing. I think if I hung out with 75+ year olds I’d feel much more part of the crowd. Maybe I’ll go scout out new friends at the neighborhood nursing home.
Before I made stupid decisions Saturday night, I had a really nice day. We went slack lining at City Park which I always enjoy. Not only because right now the weather in New Orleans is really sexy, but also because it’s something physical that I am able to do, and I usually don’t pay for it the next day. If you’ve never heard of slack lining here it is: Basically, tight rope walking, but on a slack line, (an inch thick.) I can’t tell you what the appeal is, I mean, it’s just walking a couple of feet above the ground. But there is something addicting about it. It requires focus and balance, and once I walked across the whole line on my own I remembered the great feeling of conquering something again. It was nice to have a physical goal and be able to reach it. Here are some slacking photos:
While we were outside one of the coolest dogs ever showed up. Her name is Teegan, and she is basically the size of a pony. She’s an Irish Wolf Hound and made Monty look small for once. The two of them played tug of war over a stick for a really long time. Finally Monty had some real competition. At one point Teegan got a little mad and snapped at Monty, but he really didn’t care. He ended up with the stick ane that is all he cared about. He effing loves sticks!
I guess that’s all for now. I’m hoping everyone had a great Halloween, (better than mine) and I’m actually looking forward to the rest of 2011. Time to get healthy for REAL.
Health and Happiness and I mean it this time.
3 thoughts on “The Idiot”
I feel the same way. I think to myself “It’s not fair! I want to go out and party with my friends. I want to be a normal 20 something.” Sometimes I do and it’s worth the crash, sometimes it’s not. I always think I have more in common with elderly people too, except generally they are stronger and have more energy than me.
Good old “intolerance to alcohol.” It can be found in Fibro 101 under Fibromyalgia in the support forums of healingwell.com (which I highly recommend!)
This is a good first step!