So. It’s been an up and down week. Breakups are no fun, my Grandma had a mild stroke, and Monty has terrible, terrible gas. He keeps crop dusting the living room and it’s my fault because I gave him a few bites of cheese and crackers earlier and he is lactose intolerant. I really, really need to stop doing that.
The good news is my grandma is stable and doing much better. If you’re reading this Grandma, I’m pledging here on the world-wide web that I’ll be in Colorado in July- You have my word! Get the playing cards ready, I’m ready for two player spades.
Today has been one of those days where my head is all over the place and my thoughts start going in circles and at times they start to consume me. I find myself wanting to turn it off, or cut it off, but it’s my head, my mind..so I can’t. I just have to keep it under control. The day started out rough because I woke up from a nightmare around 9:30 this morning and was stuck in the haze of it for quite a while after. Two faceless men had kidnapped me and I was being held hostage in a 3rd story apartment. One man left to go get something from downstairs and the other man was looking at something “bad” on a computer and was distracted. I went to the window and opened it and I saw there was a tall tree outside of it and I knew I could escape. I checked to make sure the guy at the computer was still distracted and he was, but when I looked back out the window the other guy was climbing up the tree, toward the open window. I pretended I was just letting the wind hit my face and I knew I would be stuck with the kidnappers and never escape. What a fun little dream! I have high anxiety/grim outcome dreams all the time. But some of them stick with me for hours after I wake up, like this one did, so it made for a murky morning.
Some days, like today, my emotions change from hour to hour. First I’ll feel like everything will be fine. Then out of nowhere I will feel anxiety about things in the past or fear about what my future holds. I’ve been living quite a transient lifestyle since last January, honestly not knowing what state I’ll be in next or who’s couch I’ll be crashing on or what state my health will be in. I think I’m mastering the art “Being a good houseguest.” Maybe that’s another book I’ll write. It’s a highly underestimated job. All of my hosts have had different things that they’re very particular about. Estee likes the couch cushions in a very specific arrangement and does not take well to crumbs on the surfaces of things. Nick doesn’t like shoes left at the doorway or anyone in the kitchen while he cooks. Amelie needs complete darkness and silence in order to fall asleep and my mom will never let me paint my fingernails anywhere but the bathroom. (Just to name a few.) Anyway, I think half of the challenge has been to stay present to wherever I am and stay stable. I need to get used to not knowing exactly where my life is going. There are a lot of unknowns at this juncture. A lot. And I need to be OK with that.
But it’s easy to slip out of the present. It happens fast, without me even realizing it. I find myself looking back at things and regretting how I handled situations. I start playing things out the way I wished they would have happened. I think about what I could have done better and then that I should have done better. Then I feel regret or guilt about things that didn’t turn out right. Then I worry about how my actions affect other people. Then I wonder if it’s possible to change people and if it is possible then is it our job to do that? Then I question if I’m doing anything right. Then. I. Stop. Because this is the exact type of thinking that does absolutely no good. The past is the past. It happened a certain way because that’s how it needed to happen. The only thing that can come from it is growth. I guess this is called learning and if I had any advice to God it would be, do you have to make the lesson plans so painful? JEESH. But apparently, this is what I need to go through. When I close my eyes, quiet my thoughts and concentrate on my breath, I know that everything will be fine. It really will. And sometimes I have to do this 100 times a day. Maybe the more I do it the better I’ll become!
The thing about this illness is that emotional and mental stress are just as much triggers as are physical exertion. Yesterday I walked around the yard with Monty and then became really weak and felt like I could faint. We came inside and I spent the rest of the night in bed and most of today. It’s a strange feeling when I get that, it’s a “heaviness”, like I”m walking around with a wet blanket cloaked over me. Luckily, I have been given time to rest. I know it is a real gift that I am able to do that right now. The other things that have been helping me are 1. Friends to ground me when I start to feel overwhelmed. 2. Happy music and singing really loud in my kitchen. 3. The Golden Girls. 4. Fudgesickles 5. Drawing Lines. I don’t know why, but sometimes a good way for me to quiet my mind is to draw more lines. As you can see, I had a lot of quieting to do.
All of these are for sale for $1 or best offer plus shipping and handling. Gift wrapping available but I’m a pretty shitty gift wrapper. Anyway, it’s been a shaky week, but I survived. Tomorrow I’m going to visit my family in Miami and that means I get to hang out with my niece Olive. There are three things that raise my spirits basically immediately; babies, puppies, and tropical flavored starbursts. At least I’ll get two of those things tomorrow. Until next time.
Health, Happiness, Keep On Keepin On.