A Few Things Happened

Let’s talk. I’m just going to write in list form. It’s easier on my brain for whatever reason right now.


I can’t explain how good it feels to be clean to such a degree as an hour shower will get you. But even better is the smell of my shampoo emanating from me now. I have so little to brag about, but I have to convey how good it feels to smell this FRESH people. It needed to happen, I was too sick for a while, and now finally it has. I sat on a geriatric shower chair instead of taking my typical bath. My wobbly, cinderblock legs are smooth. My skin is clean and feels almost cottony.  I spent more than 30 minutes picking out Shampoo at Walgreens a while ago, searching for the perfect scent and I seemed to have found it. It’s left my hair emanating the scent of some subtle, tropical, white flower with tiny pink buds (and no nitrates!) Whatever that means. The scent is what Jennifer Anniston’s scarf closet would smell like. A shower is nothing, I realize. But in my bite-size, do-nothing world, a shower and this residual perfume of the Gods makes headlines. “Local Girl Smells Good!”

2. Secondly, in insanity news, the SAINTS JUST LOST. (Pause. Pour some beer out.) It was no one’s fault, it’s just that sometimes a defender leads with his helmet and interferes with a receiver in order to prevent a reception and somehow he doesn’t get called on it and essentially the whole outcome of the game changes. The non-call smelled like the opposite of J Anniston’s scarf closet. It smelled like what an old Southern man with leathery skin would say as he put down his beer with his eyes glared at the TV: AH HORSE SHIT!


3. Oh good LORD, my hair. This foresty, soapy, new car yet feminine fragrance…How is it even possible?!

4. OK. It’s not like the Saints losing was any one persons fault. These things happen. I mean just like sports writer Jack Baer wrote “If it wasn’t pass interference, the helmet to helmet hit almost certainly should have been called a personal foul. Either way the Saints should have received a 15 yard penalty and a fresh set of downs with a minute 45 remaining, which almost certainly would have effectively ended the game.” See? These things just happen.

5. Idea. Maybe I could charge money for people to smell my hair up close. This is how I can pay for the research that the NIH will not. $100,000 per whiff. It’s also how I can earn some kind of money if my Sofia-Dorothy relationship with my mother goes South or she dies in her sleep and I need to make money to keep the farm afloat. Either one. (Kidding mom, you know you’re my hero and you can never die)

“Hey Can I Smell Your Hair?” “Yeah, it’ll be $100,00. Make it quick.”

6. I can’t believe that non-call just happened. I still feel so shocked and bummed about it. At the same time I feel so hashtag blessed to smell like flowery beechwood that it diffusses the sadness a decent amount. What if I smelled bad and the Saints had a playoff game that was STOLEN right out from under them? Talk about feeling crappy and smelling like craigs-list. I mean I wouldn’t say the game was stolen from us…it’s just that


The New Orleans Causeway Tonight. We’re subtle with our emotions.

8. Monty has gas. I realize Monty always has gas, but this seems specific and particular gas. It’s smells sad. It feels like especially offended gas that could only be expelled for a special occasion. He’s looking more sad than guilty, as though farts are the only way he can physically grieve. They are the tears of a game getting blown. The gas makes me sad, but then I smell my hair and feel glad. It’s funny that smells can make us temporally happy or sad. The realm and cause of human emotions is really pretty extraordinary.

9. Were we really supposed to lose that game or was it a comic hiccup? Some existential mistake? Tolle would say it was no mistake that we lost, because it’s the experience we endured. “The fire of suffering becomes the light of consciousness,” he says. But I fear tonight the light will burst from cars lit on fire and a ref that requires a 24/7 security detail. I joke I joke. I believe

10. I wonder if my shampoo truly comes from Maui. Something tells me it doesn’t. But due to the beautiful potency of its scent how could I care from where it emerged?

11. Cleanliness is Godliness.

12. Monty’s gas has begun to transition into “It will be OK. But that call was true and authentic stinky bull-dung.”

“Just can’t help my grieving gas!”

13. Like my mom says, at least we don’t have to be tense next week.

14. BUT MOM I WANNA BE TENSE I JUST WANNA BE TENSE WITH REFS THAT MAKE SURE THE PLAYERS DON’T BREAK EACH OTHERS HEADS!!!!!! Fine I’ll go to my room. No, YOU’RE being obnoxious! …Yeah I have some darks I need washed.

15. Saints, I’ll be your forever fan. Next years is ours. But on a personal note, you’ve given so many of my Sundays a happy distraction from what hasn’t been an easy year or years. Watching you play has energized me to a happy place, and I’ll always BELIEVE DAT you’re a team of good men, win or lose. I’m grateful you’ve made it as far as you have. You’ve been the joy of Sunday’s for much of my family and I, and I hope you feel the pride of the whole city behind you, my dog Monty, and me. See you next season.

Health, Happiness, Who Dat

Thank You for a great year! 


8 thoughts on “A Few Things Happened

  1. That non-call was suspiciously awful. I still don’t understand how it was missed. I really wanted the Saints, and as a southern Californian, that says a lot.
    Few things in life are as wonderful as a long shower when you’re stinky.


  2. Football is so stressful for us fans. As a Vikings fan, my heart is broken every dang year. Last time we were in the Super Bowl was way back in 1977 and of course, we lost. The last time we played in the NFC Championship Game it was back in 2010 and we LOST to your team….so it looks like I will just be watching the ads and the half~time show this year, too.
    And if anyone knows of a good smelling all natural shampoo, please post it. I can’t remember the last time my hair smelled a~maze~ing. I have decided that the showers themselves aren’t the killers, it is the effort to dry off and powder and lotion and then brush teeth and do hair, etc. since who takes a shower unless they have to go somewhere or just can’t stand it anymore? I so miss the days where I used to bathe everyday and read in the tub and have bubbles and then to be able to get out without a crane or a winch (someone needs to invent an affordable lift device to help us “people of a certain age” get in and out of the tub without killing ourselves and I want to be able to soak my body up to my neck so those walk in tubs will not work!). I envy you folks who live in a temperate climate and who have in ground swimming pools…oh to just be able to walk into warm water and float around….heaven on earth.
    And Miss Mary, you just keep writing….you are a joy no matter what you write about….and after decades of having big dogs with horrible gas, I now have a tiny Yorkie who I don’t think has had gas in the four months I have had her but she has the craziest sounding burps and tummy rumbles (and since it has been in the minus 20’s to 40’s this past week, she has gotten it into her little head that it is too cold to leave her little “Tootsie Rolls” outside so we have to keep checking her two favorite spots….next to the dining table or in the bathroom BEHIND the claw foot tub for her little “deposits”).
    Here’s to hoping that something great happens for us all this year!


  3. You are so right!!! Robbed is polite way of describing what happened. That Rams player had already pulled that nasty cheating shit twice before and didn’t get called then either! Monty’s response did us all proud. Drew Brees is our local Purdue hero (we even forgave him for beating our Colts in the Super Bowl) and I’m already hoping for next year. Keep your chin up!


  4. Ugh I have the day after football migraine but I was so good yesterday and ate my greens, veggies, protein, meditated…. etc but a loss like that was too much on my broken system. Worse than a bummer and i feel so bad for the saints and their coaches. I tried to teach my toddlers a lesson on sometimes things are fair and sometimes they aren’t with the outcome of the saints game. My 5 year old said “ooh no, but I wanted the saints to win” and my 3 year old said “mom you are weird”….. so basically no one learned the lesson.


    1. haha Amelie you are awesome. And you’re kids are hilare. You need to write a book on raising children by using lessons derived from football. There’s infinite life lessons in it! :) love and miss you.


  5. LOL The form you chose to write your thoughts created comic timing I swear! I love it that I am not the only one out there who sees that self care (a shower) is in itself a small victory. I feel like this shell I live in fights me and after a shower I am usually exhausted and hurt more. I too want to know which Maui it was. I just found Kristen Ess The One shampoo and conditioner at Target and the smell makes me feel expensive. I have a short bob but find myself sniffing my hair or tossing it to smell my hair. It’s awesome!


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