*As a follow up, my mom convinced me to go to dinner that night even though I felt really rough most the day. I stood weak and wobbly at the sink brushing my teeth and was seconds away from calling her and saying I just couldn’t make it. But something told me to go, given that my mom is typically right, and we could always leave with the second car if I didn’t feel well enough to stay. Also, these people are basically family, and they’d be completely comfortable letting me lay on the couch while my parents and my brother Nick enjoyed dinner. (Nick was in town and it was his second to last night. Another incentive to go)
To my surprise, their energetic spirits, both of them, (my God-parents–Varney and Sweet Pea) seemed to rub off on me-on all of us. I did need to leave this house, even if it meant just being sick somewhere else. To hear other people’s voices and stories and hear my parents laugh and engage with the world outside the ol’ farm…to remove ourselves from the everyday, which is hard to do in our state. But it was clear we all really needed it. The energy seemed to flow through each of us and build as we interacted and laughed and remembered how much love existed between us that we just don’t get a chance to see very often.
I felt lucky remembering such amazing people exist and who we consider part of our family. It was a gift to be able to get together that night and be reminders to one another of what real friendship and love can do, even if you see each 3 times a year. Love and friendship don’t keep score of anything. Anyway, I’m grateful. You get it.
OK, Super Bowl today…
FibroM.E.-Awesome 
I’ve had depression and it’s really hard. It’s especially hard with a chronic illness because a lot of the things that help depression (living in the moment, exercise) are difficult or even impossible, whereas the things that make it worse (e.g, ruminating, comparison with others) are very easy. Personally, I was prescribed antidepressants and sent to therapy and it really helped me get on top of things (although it took time). Some of my close friends also visited regularly (for short periods of time so I didn’t get too worn out) to keep me in touch with the world. I know not everyone finds the same things helpful (or has access to all options). I hope you find something that helps.
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Hello Miss Mary, is it possible for your girlfriends to come and visit you at your place? If I remember correctly (which is a crap shoot on my best days) you live in a pool house? (I live in northern MN so we do not have pool houses….heck most of us don’t even have pools….tho we do have ice houses….for when you want to freeze your butt off on a frozen lake so you can drill a hole in the ice and drop a fishing line into it and then sit there until you are lucky enough to get a bite….other than frostbite). I would think if they were true friends, that coming over to your place to hang out for a night, even if you are in bed, would be fun for you all. All you have to do is lay there and enjoy their company. They do the rest. When my best friend was still alive, she and I would just lay on the couches at each other’s house and we would just talk. No pressure to get dressed or cleaned up. Just two women who loved to spend time together even if it was just laying down and talking. It kept us close (eventhough we would much rather have been out hitting the thrift stores and going to lunch) and she was so easy to just be with. I miss her everyday and I have other friends whom I love but they are more “high maintenance” and being with them, even just at my house, exhausts me.
I am so glad you were able to get out and be happy for a few hours. My old lady heart breaks for you young people who are so affected by this illness. I love being alone but I had sown my wild oats before becoming sick and spent years trying to keep up the old Robyn….and now at 64, the old Robyn is mostly gone and a new one has taken her place. Not any less (to the world, yes, I am “less”) but transformed into a different Robyn with different interests and gifts. I figure in almost every case, I have two choices: to be upset about what is happening and be miserable or to accept it and make the best out of it. I usually pick the second choice. Life is like living on an active fault-line, you never know when you will be shaken to your core but you know you will be, time and time again, so either you adapt your surroundings and your attitude or you fight against it and lose everytime. Oh, such a pithy sage of a woman am I, eh? LOL
Just remember, sweet girl, that you are so loved by this community and we do so look forward to your words no matter how they come to us. YOU matter to us.
And please give your mom a “high five” from me. I think she and I could be friends in real life. I wish she would blog so I could follow her, too. You seem to really have a wonderful family. And I am not sure what you believe spiritually but God has a perfect plan for you and your life. It may not be what you would have wished for but for His purpose in creating you, it is PERFECT. And trust me, it took me decades to understand that. I used to pray all the time God would heal me so I could get out and “do more” for Him but I now know He uses me as I am. Where I am. I may not see it or feel it but that does not matter. I KNOW IT in my soul. Sure, I still struggle on low days. I have been trying to run a tiny store and a craft studio to get me out of the house twice a week or more and to connect to other women who may also be in my season of life and to encourage them that there is a creative spirit inside of them and i want to help them find it. But getting people in and getting ladies to sign up for classes I teach has been so hard. And so it has taken all my faith to stay the course. I am not in it for money. I use part of my “old age” money for my rent for the space I have and for all my business expenses. Teaching is my heart’s desire. I do not understand why God has not blessed my efforts since I believe that He wants me there but until something happens and I can no longer afford to keep my shop/studio open, I will keep plugging along in faith. So, Miss Mary, keep plugging along in your own “faith”. It may not be easy but it is for a higher purpose (I believe).
Much love from the old lady in MN
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