Most mornings start out the same for me. My eyes peel open slowly like velcro. My insides feel like they want out. Everything feels out of balance. I throw pills in my mouth, make my pot of coffee, let Monty out, and wait to feel human again. It isn’t the best…mornings have always been the hardest. But roughly an hour later, I start to feel better. The pain subsides. The disoriented, dizzy haze fades, and I sip coffee slowly and let my thoughts organize themselves. Once I’m human again, Monty starts making noises that imply if we don’t go outside and play in the pool soon he is going to explode or implode or something of that nature, so we go. He jumps in immediately, I sit in the water on the first step, and the day really starts. I’ve come to love our routine. It feels good spending so much time outside. Especially after a year of feeling so imprisoned to the indoors. Lately, the last step of morning involves saving frogs from the pool. They are really tiny; cute actually. Usually there are at least 5 of them. I try to keep them together, like they are some kind of family I’m rescuing and I don’t want the children to get separated. I have no idea why I feel this obligation to save them, but I do, and so I do.
They are such incredibly small animals, sometimes I just watch them. I feel bad when I find a floater who didn’t make it. I scan the sides of the pool twice where there are usually one or two and then the two round filters that catch the extra debris. I then usually carry them to the nearby ditch so they can hangout in natural water. Last night, Monty was muddy so I walked him out to the pool to clean him off, (this is now what we consider bath time) and when we approached I heard a loud splash of something that jumped in. When I looked in the filter, a huge frog was in there, spinning from the pump circulation. Certainly he would have died in there. The steps are too deep for them to jump back out. I took him from the filter and released him in the garden, and told Monty to be gentle as he sniffed up close after every hop he took. Then I played “Folsom Prison Blues” to him on my guitar because I learned that song recently and it’s really fun to play. And what’s the frog going to do? Walk out on my concert? Come to think of it that is what happened, but you see my point.
Anyway, it’s interesting to look at such physically tiny life that we normally never see. There’s plenty around here. Including wolf spiders that are INSANELY large and terrifying-looking, but ultimately harmless. So when they’re inside I catch them in plastic cups and throw them outside, basically screeching the whole time because if it escaped the cup and crawled on my hand I’m pretty sure I would pee myself.
There is a huge variety of birds; there are mice and turtles, spiders and lizards, and even these tiny bunnies that Monty chases away. I like watching their world. Something about it makes my problems feel smaller, and I don’t know what the explanation is for that.
Anyway, I really don’t like killing anything alive. Especially because I don’t feel like they are in my territory but that I am in theirs…and it seems so pointless to kill them. There was a time I wouldn’t mind killing tiny things, I think. But now the idea doesn’t sit right with me. (Except mosquitoes, screw them.) So I catch them and release them. Save them from the filters. If anything, it helps me feel like I’ve done something. There are many stationary days. Sleep filled and cloudy. It makes sense to save something from drowning if only because I haven’t done anything else that day. I don’t have to, but I can. Might as well save a frog or five.
Health and Happiness and Little Tiny Worlds
FibroM.E.-Awesome 
I kind of sort of maybe referenced this post in one I’m working on, because it reminded me of a story I wanted to write. Would you mind if I linked to your site from mine?
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“My insides feel like they want out. Everything feels out of balance. I throw pills in my mouth, make my pot of coffee, let Monty out, and wait to feel human again. It isn’t the best…mornings have always been the hardest. But roughly an hour later, I start to feel better. The pain subsides. The disoriented, dizzy haze fades, and I sip coffee slowly and let my thoughts organize themselves.”
This description sounds like you have developed a physical dependence on painkillers. The pain is the worst in the mornings because that is the longest time since your last dose, and you are starting to experience withdrawal symptoms. From your blog posts, this dependence seems to have severely limited your ability to have a normal life and would most likely be classified as an addiction.
Painkiller addiction is a serious medical condition that is very common in our society today. Your blog posts very clearly outline an addiction. I have had multiple friends and relatives become addicted to painkillers. They all believed that the pain they were experiencing originated in their bodies, not in the drugs. They were also all under the care of doctors who were writing them prescriptions for the drugs. However, with treatment for addiction, they were able to discover that the drugs were actually the source of their pain, not the cure.
I pray you find the strength to seek treatment for this condition, and hopefully get your life back. The internet is littered with stories like yours. People who realize that their bodies are not broken, the drugs have just taken over their lives. With treatment most become free again. This is a major public health issue. If you think you are alone, check out this link:
http://www.latimes.com/news/local/la-me-rx-painkillers-20130703,0,916397.story
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Hi Mary!
I just wanted to share with you that I also have Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue and probably saw the same Doc you did in Miami! I do hypnosis now for chronically ill people and people that have experienced trauma. I’d love to work with you if you are open to it. I work with many people virtually via Skype and working with the mind does some revolutionary things!
Let me know!
Danna
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Thanks Mary! i just woke up and I am pissed because I always go to bed early, drink lots of water (when I really want wine) and generally do nothing fun in the hopes that tomorrow will be better. The possibility that tomorrow I might not be in pain. But as always I wake up, and feel horrid. Mornings are the hardest for me, and my husband and daughter just don’t understand. My 7 year old doesn’t understand that there will be no homemade breakfast until mommy’s pain medicine kicks in (which takes forever in the morning). I am sorry that you feel the same, but now I feel better knowing I am not the only person who feels horrid in the morning :( And sorry if this doesn’t make any sense, I just woke up an my brain isn’t working yet !
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Nice story. I appreciate you taking the time and energy to write it. Love the little froggies!
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One word ANTS, watch them you´ll see their pecking order,how structure they are when they get out of their little hole and start going for a leaf 10 times as big of them. You know the strongest animal on earth? you got it ANTS. Not an animal but a specie, point being their the strongest since they can lift ten times their own weight. Ever see a an elephant lifting even another elephant. Gotta love ANTS. By the way I see in one of the pictures that your dog is not so fond of saving the frogs, you can tell he´s just thinking “you little bastard get up here I´m hungry.”
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2nd paragraph last couple lines. ….”and whats a frog going to go”…? wherez?
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thanks mr. editor. whats your fee?
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Sounds like a wonderful routine :) (although a little warning before spider pics is always appreciated! :o)
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Seconded! I almost lost it when I scrolled up and it appeared.
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Your shared little world made my night little better.:)
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Thanks for sharing this little world with me. It made me feel better. :-)
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