I think I had a bit of an epiphany over the weekend. I went camping on a beach with some crazy people I know. It was great. Suddenly though, I don’t want to talk about being sick anymore. I don’t know that typing out everyday that I have a migraine and I’m really fatigued and all of my muscles hurt, is helping. In the beginning I started this out with some encouragement from a few different people that I should do it, and it might help other people. And if it even helps one person, then it’s worth it. But I think there is something more important at work here. I think the goal should be to show that you can have a stupid illness like that, and still have a happy life. A productive life. Sometimes people read what I write and tell me it’s really depressing. And I think, depressing for you? I’M the 27-year-old living on my parents couch! But the whole truth is, it could be way worse. I’ve got two feet, two arms, half a brain, and a sense of humor that seems to carry me through the toughest situations. I get that from my dad.
Anyway I’m not sure what direction this is going to go in. I’ll still give reports on how I’m doing though it’s hard to think that anyone reading this cares whether my migraine cycle stopped or how many pills a day I’m up to, or down to. The illness is a part of me, and something that happened to me, but it is not who I am. And I feel called to write about bigger things and do bigger things, even though at times that seems impossible. But I’ve come a long way already. It was just in January that I would dread walking to the bathroom, because it fatigued me so much. I still have a ways to go, but for the first time in a very, very long time, I feel like I am going to recover enough to do big things. Only the universe knows what’s in store, but I am anxious to see what lies ahead.
So no more elaborating about what I feel like. From now on, just assume I have a migraine and I’m fatigued. That way I won’t have to write it everyday. What I’m saying is, great health or bad health, I’m going to keep looking for the reason I am here and why I have a passion for writing. I have a feeling it’s not just to write a blog about being sick. That seems to diminish what I consider a gift that was given to me. I don’t mean to un-substantiate the seriousness or shittiness of this illness, because it is both. And everyone I talk to with it fights a battle everyday. I know the exhaustion of just explaining it. But I want the illness just to be in the background of what I’m doing. I don’t want it to have center stage. I want to show that life can still have meaning and importance, even if you’re stuck in bed. It may have been the reason I started this, but it won’t be why I continue. It’s time for something else.