I’ve finally reemerged out of my latest crash. I’m kind of tired of dedicating words to what being sick is like, so instead I’ll do it with GIF animations. Here’s how it went.
Monday: I tried to get out of bed, but it went something like this.
By Tuesday I was still lifeless and sick, so my mom brought food to me in bed, which went something like this:
By Wednesday I’m like this is crap! I’m going outside to play! Which went like this:
So back to bed I went, like this
Then I woke up like 20 hours later like this:
And then someone with enthusiasm calls and says “Hows it going Mary?!?!” and I respond “Great!!!”
Then after a long day of exhaustion, I try to go to sleep, which goes something like this:
Then alas I get to bed, and when I wake up, my body feels like it’s done this to itself all night…
Being awake feels crappy so I go back to bed, like BYE WORLD!!!
Then I wake up to Bill O’Reilly playing from the living room…
Meanwhile Monty is bored to death with his owner so he decides to go out in the world on his own…
Then finally I wake up with enough energy to get out of bed and be a functional human being!
1. Write the name of an alcoholic beverage and a question mark followed by “Don’t Mind If I Do!”
Ahhh much needed.
2. Talk about how INSANELY busy they are and the massive amount of things they have to do! So much so they spend the next two hours on Facebook talking about it!!
3. Use “LOL” questionably and in an overabundance. “I have cancer lol” “Me too lol”
4. Some version of this picture, allll up in your biz.
The bottom half of my body enjoying the beach.
4. Talk about preparation for tomorrows workout, take a picture of today’s workout, or reflect on the burn from yesterdays workout.
5. Delve into the recent cold they caught, list all the corresponding symptoms of said cold, then tag a photo of Dayquil and Hot Tea. Potential Caption: Yucky sniffles AND a sore throat! :(
6. Take a picture of herself scandalously dressed and tag it with this caption: “Hey you.”
And by you I mean me.
7. “Today I am thankful for gratitude lists.”
8. Attempt a really inspiring, self-written life quote. “Never take advantage of anyone. Life is short but regret is forever. Always thank your lucky stars and never forget to dance. Even in hard times, the sun will shine through the night.”
9. Talk some major smack about football and/or their fantasy team. Then talk some major smack about The Bachelor.
10. Take a picture of basically anything and caption with: LOVE. <3 <3 <3
LOVE.
12. Girls Night Out!! Prepare for pictures, captions and a play-by-play before the night is halfway over.
11. Something borderline horribly offensive followed by “Just Sayin.”
13. Picture of the hubs taking a nap with the baby!
LOVE.
14. Vent a frustration beginning with WOW. “Wow, I was under the impression that a STOP SIGN MEANS STOP.”
15. Duckface. Forever and Ever and Always.
Yall come to the party I’m having by myself in the bathroom!
1.The Advice Seeker of things that seem relatively obvious. Does anyone know where I can find groceries? I’m looking for things like broccoli, milk, poultry, cereal and juice. Looking for good prices but also quality food. Any suggestions?
Message me with any info. Thanks!
2. The incredibly angry but mostly uninformed Political Posting Tyrant.Taxes are such bullshit!! Why can’t everything just be free? I wish the morons running this country would ask themselves that. Now I’m going to quote the constitution for you.
3. The Horrifically Offensive Facebooker that doesn’t seem to know it. Is it just me or are pregnant people gross and disgusting?
4. The ball-busting Debbie Downer. (AKA, the person that ends every status with UGH!!!!) Wow, after being stuck in traffic for 2 hours, I come home and step in dog shit. No, I don’t have a dog, my neighbors do. So I wrote them a letter explaining that I’d really appreciate it if they picked up after their dog, that is part of YOUR responsibility as a dog owner, not MINE as your neighbor. UGH!!!!!
5. The Emo Kid Facebooker, dense with cryptic statuses. Yes, I can forgive you, but that doesn’t mean I’ll forget.
6. The Check In Everywhere You Go Facebooker. Mary was at Albertson’s with Who Gives a Shit.
7. The Stay on FacebookMom. Yep, Tommy just shit in the toilet all on his own. Then he asked me to wipe his butt for him. I have never had so much fun wiping someones ass or been more proud to do it!! Just love him!!!!
8. The judgmental Passive Spectator: Has very little facebook activity– mostly just sits back and watches the horror of facebook unfold while worrying about the state of the world.
We’re fucked.
9. The Workout Obsessed Facebooker. Feelin the burn!!! Gonna be so sore tomorrow!! Will write a status about it at that time!
10. The over-eager Bearer of Bad News Facebooker. Just saw a car that was filled with puppies tumble off the road and burst into flames. Will be thinking about them tonight.
I love getting late birthday presents in the mail. Wait, I love getting mail period. For one thing, I think the art of letter writing is becoming extinct, so it’s always pretty special to get something written in one of a kind hand-writing, written just for you. Dear Mary… Anyway, late birthday presents are like those blooper scenes they show during the credits of a movie you liked. Just when you thought it was over–bam! My brother Nick and his wife Estee sent me two new shirts and a skirt and a necklace with a hand-written card, the best! And my sister brought me shopping at Nordstrom. Her and Keegan have kind of adopted me as their 28-year-old child. Keegan even sent me to my room yesterday. I also unpacked my suitcase at their house two weeks ago, the first time I’ve really not lived out of my suitcase since February. All my siblings are like extra parents, each pitching in to help in their own ways and I am really thankful for that. It’s easy for me to forget that my situation could be a lot worse. They have all encouraged me to visit them, and that is a real gift. Anyway, I love shopping and I love new clothes, but it has turned into such a silly thing for me to love, mostly because I never wear normal clothes anymore. I never really go anywhere and I hardly see people besides Monty and my family. My uniform has evolved into leggings and t-shirts–every guys fantasy.
Last week and all weekend was a sick week. Like a sick day, but you know, times 7. I once wrote that I was the mayor of Migraine City, but I am upgrading myself this week to Governor because my head is super angry about something and apparently wants the world to know. Here’s your shot head, let it all out! Every day I keep telling myself I will get dressed in my new clothes and I will go somewhere and I’ll do my hair and makeup and look like someone who has her shit together. But, that has yet to happen. “Tomorrow” I tell myself. Then the song from Annie starts playing in my mind and I bet my bottom dollar that tomorrow there’ll be sun, and I will go out in it! Since I’m in Cali, there is always sun, but when you have a migraine, it feels like if you were to go outside under that bright sun you’d start melting like the witch from the Wizard of Oz. Anyway, the migraine cycle continues, but why am I talking about migraine cycles? I’m even boring myself.
When I’m in the throes of a sick week, I can start to get down. And also start to go stir crazy. So there are a few things I do and a few things I don’t do. Maybe most importantly, I do not watch TV during the day. There is just something undeniably sad about daytime television, and sunlight coming in through the blinds..maybe reflecting off the TV screen? Yuck. The only time I don’t find a sunlights’ reflection on a TV screen depressing is on the weekends when we’re watching football. Exceptions to every rule.
First, I keep a book on hand and I read. I swear it’s like I’ve discovered the joy of reading only last year..at age 27. Pretty ridiculous since I discovered the joy of writing at around age 9. I feel like I’m catching up on all the years that I began books and never finished them. I always associated reading a book with homework, something I had to do. It never felt like I had a choice in the matter. As soon as book reports became part of my schooling in 6th grade, it became my goal to see how little of the book I could read and how high a grade on the report I could get. Unfortunately, I work really well under pressure–so the night before it was due I’d skim through the book, find the important parts, and write a flowery report. I almost always received A’s on them. I was actually proud of myself for being able to complete the work this way! What an idiot. Anyway, now that I have really experienced what getting lost in a book is like, I feel like I have years of catching up to do. So that’s partly what I’m doing. Especially because it’s not sad at all to read while sunlight is coming through the window. In fact it’s the most fun to go outside and read. Monty and I had been going to the park daily, but I crashed mid-week and we haven’t been back yet. Anyway, right now I’m reading Wild by Cheryl Strayed. A true story about a woman who lost her way and decided to hike the Pacific Crest Trail by herself, with no experience. Truthfully, it’s a little difficult to read because she is in a lot of physical and emotional pain so far, and I like reading to carry me away from real life, so in that light it’s not been as fun to read as Gone Girl but I’m just about 1/3 in, so I’ll see how the next 50 pages go.
The second thing I do is create something. It can be anything from a four line poem to a line drawing. The goal is not to create a masterpiece work of art. The goal is to let your soul do some talking. Sometimes what you make will be crappy and sometimes you’ll surprise yourself. But the thing is, now no matter how sick or worthless I felt today or the fact that I never got dressed in real clothes, at least when someone asks me what I did today I can say “I wrote a poem,” or “I drew a picture of a stupid cat.” So now today was not a complete waste. Here are some simple rhyming poems.
*I am tired
But do not sleep
I am sad
But do not weep
I close my eyes
And count to 10
If I still feel it
I’ll do it again
Until the clouds part
And the dark clears
I’ll think of my loves
And not of my fears.
*In the corners of my mind
In the absence of a dime
I think about home
In a house that isn’t mine.
*At night I roam
through consciousness alone
Would I have chosen this
If I would have known!
*At least at the end of day
Where I never got dressed
I can say I wrote a poem
And that’s something I guess.
Normally I hate rhyming poems, and I don’t necessarily love these. But, they’re what came out. So I let them. Because that’s what my soul had to say today, and it doesn’t really matter whether it’s good or bad. It’s the fear of making something good or bad that is dangerous. Once I let that fear go, I kind of free myself. The worst that can happen is you write a shitty poem or you draw a shitty picture. Certainly there are worse things! Either way, you’ve got something to look back on or laugh at or talk about, and you weren’t completely at the mercy of illness.
.
I drew the above drawing a few days ago. It turned out to be one of my favorites…drawn on a sick day where I never got dressed. It started with a very simple shape; a leaf. Then I repeated the pattern and this is what turned up. I had no idea what I was sitting down to draw that day, but it’s another example of letting your soul speak. Or stillness speak. I just know that when I designate time to letting things come through me, I am usually surprised. I end up creating something I never could have thought of myself. It’s strange, the way sometimes your dreams can be insanely more creative or smarter than you are in real life. I guess it’s the subconscious at work. This one is titled “I Don’t Normally Look Like This” and is for sale for $10.
Anyway, that’s been the last 7 days. Fingers crossed that tomorrow is migraine free and filled with more energy and I get to wear some happy clothes and run errands like humans do. If not, well then…it’s back to the drawing board.
I think my favorite present to both give and receive is a book. And not an e-book, not a kindle or a tablet thingamajiggy. A real, tangible book with pages to flip through and words that you underline and notes in the margin that you come back to later. There is something necessarily palpable about a book for me. Maybe I just really like turning pages, but I don’t think I’ll ever make the switch to electronic literature. I know it costs us trees, but I kind of feel like a tree would be happy to be a book. If only trees could talk. OK, anyway, I received a book from my mom for my birthday, and I’ve been lost in it for the last 4 days. I kept telling myself I needed to write, but my urge to read was stronger. I had to finish it before I could do anything else. I think it may be one of the most important books I’ve read as of yet.
.
“The Untethered Soul” is written by Michael Singer and I’d never heard of it or him until I began reading. The book is 181 pages but is densely written and covers everything from consciousness to identity to happiness to God to death to Christianity to the Tao. I really don’t know how he combined all of these topics so succinctly and covered them with such perfect simplicity, but he did, and it all made perfect sense. Every word. Sometimes I’d read a paragraph over and over, not because I didn’t understand, but because it felt so good to read the words. It was like light would suddenly pour in the room, and with each page (each TANGIBLE page) I felt more clarity, maybe even more happiness. At least more awareness of it. There is such a wide variety of topics he covers and methods associated with them, but he ties them all together seamlessly to teach one huge and vital lesson; to know yourself, and to find bliss. It will be difficult to summarize the whole thing up on just one page..this may need to be a two parter. So I’ll just cover a few topics that really captured me.To begin with, you can’t fix the world. You can’t fix other people, and you shouldn’t try. But you can become the purist and most open version of your Self, and that is your gift to the world. You will be the most successful and biggest help to humanity by knowing yourself truly, and waking up–becoming conscious. So long as you are unconscious, reacting to external factors, hiding behind fears and anxieties, letting that voice in your head dictate important matters, you cannot be of help to the world. You are stuck in your mind, and so you can’t go any further or higher up than that. Not until you wake up.
Like Tolle, Singer writes pretty extensively about how to answer the question “Who am I?” …a question I constantly ponder but feel my answer always comes up short. I am Mary Gelpi. Well no, that’s a label given to me by my parents. Take it away and I’m still here. Who am I? Who is the Self? It was more poignant and enlightening to hear him explain who we are not. Some we’ve been over before.Ready? You are not your thoughts. You are not your emotions. You are not the things that happened to you. You are not a gender role. You’re not even your personality. And here’s the big one: You are not that voice in your head. In fact the journey to discovering your self (which is who you are) involves the attempt to eliminate that voice. In other words: telling it to SHUT. UP. And in the meantime if you can’t get it to, DON’T LISTEN TO IT. For the love of GOD don’t listen to it. Think how many times that voice in your head has been wrong…a lot. But we continue to reach out to it for advice and guidance as though it were an intelligent shrink. It’s not, it’s noise. Just so we’re clear, I’m not talking about voices plural in your head. That’s another disorder altogether and we don’t have time for it. I’m talking about the voice in your head that is constantly chattering. If you stop reading this right now and look around the room, just wait a few seconds and listen. It will begin talking. About anything. Stupid things. Funny things. Memories. To -Do lists. It’s noise. It’s a lot of noise that isn’t really propelling you in any direction on your mission. This attempt was among the original purposes of things like meditation and yoga. It wasn’t to pray or to exercise–it was to find inner stillness, the center. The center is where “You” reside. Behind the chatter, judgments, and noise is your soul or spirit, or whatever you’re comfortable calling it. It’s quiet there. It’s the part that doesn’t die. It’s the center of your consciousness, or what Zukav called The Seat of the Soul. (Also, another awesome book) So this is how the book begins; with the search for the self and a map of where to go to find it. Once you’re able to pull back the curtains on all the things that don’t define you, you begin to feel and hear the real you. Your higher self. Perhaps he puts it most accurately with this definition: the simple awareness of being aware. Or..You are not the thinking mid; you are aware of the thinking mind.
“When you contemplate the nature of Self, you are meditating. That is why meditation is the highest state. It is the return to the root of your being, the simple awareness of being aware. Once you become conscious of the consciousness itself, you attain a totally different state. You are now aware of who you are. You have become an awakened being. It’s really just the most natural thing in the world. Here I am. Here I always was. It’s like you have been on the couch watching TV, but you were so totally immersed in the show that you forgot where you were. Someone shook you, and now you’re back to the awareness that you’re sitting on the couch watching TV. Nothing else changed. You simply stopped projecting your sense of self onto that particular object of consciousness. You woke up. That is spirituality. That is the nature of Self. That is who you are.”
There was one chapter that I re-read a few times, because it really challenged my notion of happiness. It asked this question, which I find myself constantly asking: Is happiness a choice? I have always believed that we are susceptible to our circumstances, therefore happiness isn’t really a choice because we aren’t in control. We can’t help it when bad things happen. But Singer absolutely disagreed with that, and I’m pretty sure he beat me. Just because we aren’t in total control doesn’t mean our happiness isn’t in our hands. If our happiness isn’t up to us, who is it up to? Other people? Circumstance? Conditions? No wonder we’re not happy! You can’t rely on anything or anyone else to cause your experience of happiness. It is entirely up to you. If you make the commitment to be happy, it is to be unconditionally happy. But, that means acceptance of the present. That means erasing your version of what you think your life needs to look like in order for you to be happy. That’s something a lot of people don’t want to give up.
I know what you’re thinking: What if my family dies in a plane crash? What if a bird shits on my head on the way to work? I can’t help that! Of course there will be challenging events in your life, you already know that or may have already experienced them. It doesn’t mean you don’t grieve appropriately and process the hard times. But it also doesn’t mean that you stop, that you can’t be happy again and continue to live a beautiful life. (Just ask my mom, she was widowed twice, but has once again found happiness.) That’s part of the commitment. You have to accept what happens in the present, deal with it accordingly, and release. Keep going. There’s no hanging on to the past allowed. It will never change by you clinging. There’s no cringing about tomorrow allowed either. You’ll deal with tomorrow when tomorrow comes. And think about it. Does you reacting and getting upset and yelling change the fact that a bird shit on your head? No, it doesn’t. Clearly our reactions are not only silly, they’re unintelligent. They serve no purpose. They’re just noise.
Your definitions of desirable and undesirable, good and bad, all come about because you have defined how things need to be in order for you to be okay. We all know we’re doing this, but nobody questions it. We think we’re supposed to figure out how life should be, and then make it that way. Only someone who looks deeper, and questions why we need the events of life to be a particular way, will question this assumption. How did we come up with the notion that life is not okay just the way it is, or that it won’t be okay the way it will be? Who said that the way life naturally unfolds is not all right?
This is still a challenging notion for me to process, but I know it’s right. This is not to say that making unconditional happiness your mission is easy–it isn’t. It’s probably the hardest work you’ll do. But I’ve decided to take this mission on. I certainly have the time, don’t I? Maybe we all do. But we fill it up with a lot of stuff. A lot of Kardashians and O’Reilly Factor and arguments and anger and work and chaos and noise. I think it’s time to slow down. Time to go IN, not out, and find that little nook where our soul is, and try to please it. What more important work could there be? Chopra says that this is a recreational universe and that we were meant to have fun here. We weren’t meant to suffer! So I think it’s time to play. Today is August 22nd. It’s my dad’s death day. Death birthday? I wonder if they celebrate the day you die in Heaven the way we celebrate birthdays here. Anyway, my dad was one of the happiest people I knew, and that’s what everyone else had to say about him–How positive and kind he was. This book reminded me of him and his constant disposition of joy, happiness, and love. I’m going to start my work toward consciousness and inner peace with him in mind and this book as a guide, or at least a solid starting place. I highly recommend The Untethered Soul if you’ve been searching for a deeper purpose or listening for a higher calling and need a little help getting started. This is a really good road map to begin with.
My favorite line from the book: It is actually possible to never have another problem for the rest of your life.
Health, Happiness, and Real, Tangible Books.
*My favorite underlined phrases from the book. :)
What it means to live spiritually is to not participate in this struggle. It means that the events that happen in the moment belong to the moment. They don’t belong to you.
The only way to inner freedom is through the one that watches the self.
It’s bad enough that your happiness is conditional upon your own behavior. When you start making it conditional upon other people’s behavior, you’re in serious trouble.
It is not life’s events that are causing problems or stress. It is your resistance to life’s events that are causing problems or stress.
If you want to understand stress, begin by realizing that you carry around with you your own set of preconceived notions of how things should be.
Imagine if you used relationships to get to know other people, rather than to satisfy what is blocked inside of you.
When a person is dealing with their own fears, anxieties, and desires, how much energy is left for dealing with what’s actually happening?
The truth is, everything will be okay as soon as you are okay with everything. And that’s the only time everything will be okay.
Remember your first perfume? Mine was Malibu Musk, age 10. It came in a can the color of wildberry pop tarts and looked like it could emit either aerosol liquid or cheese. The smell was exactly as it was named; tropical and musky. Something that would probably make me nauseous if I smelled now. But when I was 10, I doused myself in the stuff. I loved it.
Musky.
But, this isn’t a post about perfume. It’s about perfume commercials.
It’s happened more than once. I’m watching some intellectually stimulating show like The Housewives of Orange County or 16 and Pregnant when it starts; the television advertisement for the latest perfume I’ve got to try. Or smell. I get that ad execs must have to really rack their brains for these commercials, because they are trying to effectively sell a product based purely off your preference and sense of smell; a sense that as of yet, we haven’t figured out how to transcend through television. So I guess in some attempt to compensate for the void in technology, they decided to just confuse the shit out of everyone. The commercial will typically involve prancing A list actors, trench coats, flashes of light, weird indie music, and sex. Lots and lots of sex. OK so it’s not confusing. Sex sells. I get it. But every time one of these commercials comes on, it doesn’t leave me thinking of sex. Instead I kind of feel an intense urge to giggle. And not like a sexy laugh either–That nervous, Michael Scott giggle, and something tells me that is not the reaction they were going for. It’s not even just the production, it’s the names of the perfumes themselves. Angel. Guilty. Covet. The whole shebang. It’s kind of how I feel about the underwear I buy from Victorias Secret–Where one day I’m folding laundry and I realize I have underpants that say “University of Pink” on the butt. (True story) I get what they were going for, I just don’t think they got it right. What would Donald Draper say if he saw these? Who would he hit?! Here is the most recent one I saw that had me super weirded out. Exhibit A:
OK so the takeaways here:
Mediocre actors make even more mediocre singers.
Eva Mendez lives in the future where subways look like aerodynamic toaster boats.
Something about circles?
This Angel Perfume stuff apparently gives you an orgasm when you smell it. WIN!
Remember when Sarah Jessica Parker released her own scent? It was called Covet. And the commercial was really bad.
The Takeaways:
Did she really think she could get away with stealing that big ass bottle of perfume? That thing is GINORMOUS.
Those eyes at the end?–Those are what you call Crazy Eyes. (See also, Ramona from NY Housewives)
That last scene reminded me to lock the doors.
Here’s one for Gucci’s “Guilty”
The Takeways:
Someone is definitely guilty here..of LIGHTING MY CAR WHEELS ON FIRE.
I think we just found Ghost Riders wife.
Did you see that? She broke like, 15 common street laws.
This is Prada’s commercial for “Candy”. I actually appreciate this one. I’ll just go ahead and tell you the takeaway for it now: Big. Pink. Panties. Watch:
Here’s Nicole Kidman’s famous commercial for Channel #5, though it looks more like a movie trailer for Moulin Rouge. The budget for this little production was $42 million and funded exclusively by Channel. That’s right. FORTY TWO MILL.
The Takeaway: It would have been cooler if they just lit $42 million dollars on fire :)
I just threw this one in the mix because..dude..FORTY TWO MIL!
The 80’s know what’s up. THIS is a how a perfume commercial is done. I heard that Charlie is actually a pretty stinky perfume.
This woman’s life looks awesome. I kind of want to be her.
Kinda Young Kinda Now, Charrrlieee.
OK last one. This is pretty scandalous, especially for the 90’s. It’s for Calvin Klein’s Obsession. And um, is that you Justin Bieber?
Health, Happiness, and I just watched perfume commercials for the last two hours and now I’m really contemplating the meaning of my life.
1. The “You Spend Too Much Time With Your Friends and Not Enough Time With Me” Fight. It’s not that I hate your friends, I just think they’re stupid and don’t really want them around.
2. The “You’re Terrible With Money” Fight. Did we really need these $20,000 life-size Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em robots?
Yes, yes we did.
3. The “I’m Allowed to Talk Shit About My Family but YOU BETTER NOT” Fight. Excuse me, nobody calls my sister a slut but me.
4. The “You Drink Too Much/Smoke Too Much/Work Too Much/Play Video Games Too Much/Sleep Too Much” Fight. You do all the wrong stuff, too too much.
5. The “ANYTHING Regarding Facebook” Fight.
Who’s that slut who wrote on your wall?
Why haven’t you changed your relationship status?
Why aren’t I in your profile picture?
Why are you still friends with that person?
Why won’t your dad accept my friend request?
Who is Brittny and why did she poke you 2 years ago? Defriend her. NOW.
6. The “You’re Always Tired When It’s Time for Sex But Wide Awake When the Kardashians Come On” Fight. Come on, you know you love Scott.
Nuff said.
7. The “You Give Terrible Presents” Fight. Awesome. Another candle. Thanks babe.
8. The Failure to Agree on a Show You Both Like So You End Up Watching Stuff Neither of You Really Likes Fight. Oh look, No Reservations is on again.
9. The “I Shouldn’t Have to Ask You To” Fight. Because you should be able to read my mind by now.
10. The “You Have Terrible Phone Etiquette” Fight. There’s this thing. Called a phone. Try it out…
11. The “If You Like It You Better Put a Ring On It” Fight. Because nothing sets the mood for an engagement like the threat of a breakup. Or physical harm.
Whoa Oh Oh Uh Oh Oh Oh
12. The “I Was Lying When I Told You I Didn’t Want Anything for My Birthday and You Should Have Known That” Fight. You could have at least gotten me a card. God.
13. The “You’re Nicer to the Dog Than You Are To Me” Fight. Well he’s a better listener!
Tell me. Everything.
14. The “I Went Through All Your Shit and Found Something That Makes Me Not Trust You Anymore” Fight. You never told me you ran track in high school.
15. The “If I Didn’t Pick Up After You, Our Apartment Would End Up on Hoarders” Fight. Why do you put your clothes next to the laundry hamper?
Here is the truth; you’re not missing out on anything if you don’t get on Facebook today. I’ll fill you in: Someone got engaged. Someone had a baby. Someone is angry at Obama. Someone cooked spaghetti. And someone is hung-over after going out big last night. But if you spend the day on Facebook, you’re missing out on all the rest. You know, like on life. So now here’s 10 things you can do instead of get on Facebook, that might actually make you feel better.
1. Forgive somebody. There is probably someone or something from your past that needs to be let go of, moved on from, and it might even be you. Letting go of things in the past opens up room for good stuff in the future. Go!
2. Appreciate who and what ya got. Having a gratitude journal sounds super cheesy I know, but once you start writing down everything you’re thankful for everyday, you’ll see very subtly your whole perception change for the better.
3. Create. Make art! Or a sweater! Or music.Or dinner! You’ll be surprised at what you end up making. And have someone in mind when you create. The best gifts are home-made.
I made you this sweater for your dog!
4.Exercise. Even if it’s just a walk outside or 15 minutes of yoga… exercise releases serotonin and adds years to your life. Imagine if you did 10 sit-ups/push-ups for every 10 minutes you spent on Facebook. Everyone would be all muscley and stuff.
5. Bake a cake for someone. Anyone. Just because you love em. It’ll make their day! Let us eat cake.
Because You’re You and I’m Me
6.Organize your closet, dresser, room, or junk drawer. Cleaning things out just feels good, it’s free, and the end result will make you breathe easier.
Aaah.
7. Occupy Wal-Street. Just kidding. Couldn’t think of a good O verb. Uh, organize your second closet!
8. Kidnap someone and bring them on an awesome adventure. Dont actually blindfold them and throw them in the backseat of your car or anything..just bring them to lunch or something. And then maybe antiquing.
9. Read a book. Remember books? Instead of getting lost in an anonymous persons wedding album on Facebook, (ahem, yeah that’s me) get lost in a book. It’s such an awesome feeling. And you don’t feel like a creeper by the end.
10. Write and send a letter. Not an email, not a text. A real letter, written in your own special handwriting. Old school mail dude, it’s the best! (May take 2 weeks to arrive though. The post office has had a rough year.)
Health, Happiness, Lifebook. (See what I did there?)
You know, you’d think as someone who takes 25 pills a day, I would have a pill for everything. And when it comes to aches and pains, muscle spasms, migraines, restless legs, or insomnia..it’s true. I’ve got a pill for most things. I carry around my pharmacy in a medium-sized black bag with birds on it. It’s like my second purse, but probably more important. But in the depths of that entire bag, among all the bottles of pills of every color and every shape, there is no pill for crying. Sometime’s life is really hard, and you just have to feel it. In two words; it sucks. It’s tiring and seemingly unrelenting and comes and goes in waves but just like everything else, it won’t last. It isn’t forever. And sometimes that’s the only thing to get you past the moment.
Sorry about being all depressing, but I’m going through some hardships right now and I told myself I’d write good, bad or ugly, so here’s sticking to goals. I won’t get into all the details but I am going through a breakup, thus the random waves of crying that come on like sudden nausea. It’s awful! It’s also funny, because truthfully, I was never much of a crier. If I felt the urge to cry I held it back, and I especially didn’t like to do it in front of people. I didn’t cry at my dads funeral. Maybe it’s because I was 12 or maybe it’s because seriously, his funeral was somehow a joyous occasion and I don’t really know how to explain that except that we sang happy music and felt proud that his life filled up an entire church. It wasn’t until my step-dad died, unexpectedly in the middle of college, that I turned into a crier. There was no holding it back anymore. It was tragic and it happened fast and left the family a little lost, especially my mom. It’s funny because my mom was never much of a crier either, but after Roger died, the same thing happened to her too. Sometimes we’d sit in the office, trying to tackle another post-death obstacle like canceling Roger’s phone (which somehow took FOUR MONTHS) and we’d sit there just sniffling and wiping tears away. Truthfully, there wasn’t always something wise to say. A quote about God’s plan or everything happening for a reason really falls short when you’re in the very raw place of grief. Sometimes all there is to do is cry or be a shoulder to cry on and remember that it won’t last. But what I’m trying to get at is this; it’s OK to cry.
I don’t know how our society or culture became this way, but it feels like somehow we view crying as a weakness. And when someone begins to cry our first impulse is to try to get them to stop. “Don’t cry,” we’ll say. Or “It’s OK” or some other vague comment that is usually untrue. The problem is crying makes other people uncomfortable–we’re a people of solutions, and crying means that someone is in pain or hurting some way, and we want them to stop. That’s the nice thing about dogs, they let you cry and cry and they don’t judge you for it. The thing is though, crying is not only natural, it’s good for you. It’s acknowledgment and acceptance that yes, this moment or time is rough. It’s challenging or painful. And the truth is, you just have to feel it. You have to exist in the grit of it. It hurts. But it also means you’re awake. I thought after 2011 that I would literally run out of tears. There was one day that I cried on and off most of the day and finally by 9 I thought wow, I think I’m all cried out! Then a commercial about abandoned dogs in New Orleans came on and I burst into tears. Nope, wasn’t all out after all!
My point is, that instead of telling someone to stop crying or to be strong or to move on, we should try the opposite. We should encourage them to cry. Tell them to go ahead and sob it out. Hold their hand or offer your shoulder or pass the whole stupid box of kleenex if that’s what it’s going to take. But don’t try to stop the process. Sometimes life is sad, and it’s OK to acknowledge that and it’s OK to cry about it. Babies do it. Women do it. Men do it. Even elephants do it. Just like laughter is an expression of something funny or entertaining, crying is an expression of sadness or loss, it is honest, and to repress it is only going to make it hurt more later. Simply put–let it out. Shakespeare said “To weep is to make less the depth of grief.” That being said…Waahhhhhhhh.
Kidding. I’m not crying right now. I’m watching the Golden Girls with Monty and accepting that this is a tough time but I’m going to survive. If I could recommend a new class for college it would be called Breaking Up 101. I have thought this for a long time, because breaking up is one of the hardest experiences and worst pains you can feel, even if it is the right thing to do. But we’re conditioned to think that if you feel this bad, then something’s not right–you shouldn’t do it. So then it follows, if you’re miserable from a breakup, then maybe you made the wrong decision? The truth is, there is never a good time to break up, it hurts like hell whenever it happens, and it’s going to screw with your life for a while. Aka…you might burst into tears while watching Say Yes to the Dress or you might suffer an identity crisis and start wearing brightly colored wigs like Kim Kardashian did. But that’s kind of how it goes. It’s tough, but it won’t last.
Anyway, that’s what’s going on in my life…how are you? Haha. I hope this doesn’t sound too tragic. Everything and everyone will be OK. I am assured. Mostly. But I still get waves of tears and random things that set them off, like an old photo from college or coming across my old business card from when I used to have a real job and my life was more..clear. Sometimes I feel like I’m floating on a raft in the middle of the ocean and am just drifting in no particular direction at all. It’s living in the “grey” of things. But it’s OK. I’m going to cry and then I’m going to stop and then I’m going to pick up the pieces and keep going. Because that’s the thing about life..it goes on.
1. How many centimeters dilated you are. Although it’s been fun following every day of your pregnancy, this is something we never need to know. Ever. EVER. Hang on I just started my period I’ll be right back.
2. You’re moving out so you’re giving away free shit. It’s nice and everything, but most likely no one will want your shit stained area rug or couch, even if it is free.
We're giving this couch away for free yall!
3. Picture of your baby in front of raisins. Picture of your baby picking up the raisins. Picture of your baby putting the raisins in his mouth. Picture of your baby chewing the raisins. Picture of your baby in front of a plate that used to have all the raisins he ate on it.
4. How much studying you have to do and how busy you are. You sure? Cause you’ve been commenting on my albums from 3 years ago for like, a few hours now.
5. Extensive details about your workout and the 10K you’re prepping for. I can play that game too! Walked to the bathroom. Walked to the living room. Pressed power button on computer. Typed on keys quickly without taking any breaks. I’m up to 75 words per minute baby!
6. A picture of the flowers your boyfriend gave you. Why are you thanking us? We didn’t give you the flowers.
Sorry ladies, he's taken.
7. Checking in at a place and tagging all of the people you’re with. Why don’t you just…talk to the people you’re with? Or play an actual game of tag?
8.Telling everyone how drunk you are or are going to get tonight. Don’t worry, we’ll be able to tell by the pictures you post tomorrow.
9. Stop having public Facebook birthdays. It makes stalking you sooo much less interesting.
10. Your weird urban-infused engagement photos. Although I’m totally addicted to looking at them, I don’t know when or why it became trendy to dress really nice and take photos in gutters.
"Love the background in this one! So artsy!!!"
11. A picture of yourself, taken by you, liked by you, and commented on by you. That’s so narcissistic. Facebook is supposed to be about…wait never mind that’s totally appropriate.
12. Another post shit-talking the Kardashians. You watch ’em? You love ’em.
13. Status updates about how sick you are. No one cares about your stupid chronic illness!
Ugh, my fibromyalgia is acting up.
14. Pictures of inanimate objects with your hipstamatic photo app. Yeah we get it, even a picture of a lamp will look cool under that filter. But it’s still just a lamp bro!
Congrats on getting stoned and deciding you're a photographer now.
15. Any variation of this phrase: “Today is the day that I marry my best friend.” Shouldn’t you be like, preparing to lose your V card?!
Health, Happiness, and Glorious Glorious Facebook.
Pro: They have a waaay better cable package than you.
Con: All they do is watch Bill O’Reilly.
CAUTION.
Pro: Free Internet!
Con: It’s dial-up.
Pro: They take your advice and get wireless internet.
Con: You’re the new live-in I.T. person.
WHY won't it SCAN.
Pro: Free Netflix!
Con: It’s always a documentary about the latest thing to give you cancer. This month? Bottled water.
Pro: The dog gets a lot more exercise here.
Con: He has tripled his caloric intake as the new garbage disposal.
Pro: You get to use land lines again.
Yesss.
Con: Courtesy Callers.
Pro: You don’t have to pay rent.
Con: You have to tell people you live with your parents.
Pro: TiVo!
Con: Can’t record anything, the queue is full with past episodes of The O’Reilly Factor.
Pro: You start watching a lot more Oprah.
Con: You start watching a lot more 19 Kids and Counting.
Is TiVo recording this? Make sure it's recording.
Pro: You find out your parents enjoy some of the same shows you do.
Con: There’s something uncomfortable about watching Tosh.0 with your parents.
What's He Doing Mary?
Pro: They provide a great example of what marriage should be like.
Con: I’m the only one in the house not getting laid.
**This is dedicated to my parents. My saviors. I might be under a bridge somewhere without them. And to my stepdad, who has watched waay more Say Yes To The Dress than any man ever should.
2. Express their extreme annoyance at this work day and hint that it deserves a much needed alcoholic beverage at the end of it. WINK WINK.
3. Thank their hubby for being the best hubby in the world while their hubby is sitting right next to them.
4. Complain about bad service at a fine dining establishments. “Never eating at Applebee’s AGAIN!”
5. Express their extreme excitement to see their best friends tonight, Britney, Whitney, and Sarah!!! LOVE YOU LADIES!!
6. Take pictures wearing a lot of makeup and looking really preppy while simultaneously making a “hard” facial expression and holding up what they consider to be a gangster sign. Potential caption: ‘Straight thuggin.’
We’re hard!!!
7. Take pictures of undeserving food.
I effing love oatmeal!!! Mmmmmmm.
8. Make their status the song lyrics of any Kings of Leon Song.
9. Take a picture of someone they deem inferior to themselves in some way with the question: Really?
10. Write angry letters to companies (Dear EZ PARK, I hate you!), unorganized groups of people (Dear slutty freshmen who think that leggings can be worn as pants..), and non-entities (Dear unseasonably cold weather, WTF?!)
11. Subtly yell at no one in particular while being very specific. “Wow, it’s hard to believe that you think you know someone and then they turn around and STAB YOU IN THE BACK. Will never make that mistake again. EVER.”
12. Document exceedingly mundane activites for the day. “Getting my oil changed today. Then getting much needed groceries. Then it’s off to the post office to return a package. Then stopping by the gyno. Will probably need some gas by the end, so I may stop at the gas station. But I might be tired so I’ll probably just get it in the morning on my way to pick up a prescription. But if I’m not very tired I’ll probably just get the gas on the way home. Again, unless I am tired.”
13. Express their distaste for facebook on facebook and threaten to leave facebook to their facebook friends.
14. Ask seemingly rhetorical questions. “It’s cool to do a bunch of meth and babysit 20 six year olds, right? Hehe.”
15. Write a status in another language. Parce que, Je suis tres intelligente!!
Love,
Mary. A white girl on facebook, guilty of most of these things.
**My friend Matt Damon (aka Kaitlin) collaborated on the trends of facebook with me. A much more detailed version will be in our book we’re writing. Which will be published….one day…
FibroM.E.-Awesome 